SMRT-TV: The Cliffhanger Report

May 31, 2005

Feature
The Cliffhanger Report
by the SMRT-TV Staff

Need to fake some water-cooler chatter? Curious how that show you don't really watch anymore ended up ending? SMRT-TV breaks down the plot twists, character exits, and hot making out found in this year's finales.

Please note that these summaries contain SPOILERS. That's right. SPOILERS. Please don't get annoyed with SMRT-TV for spoiling these shows for you. You were WARNED.

24

Dead

Marwan! They captured him any number of times and he always got away, clearly all they had to do was mess up while capturing him to make him dead. Jack was also dead, but only for about 60 real time seconds!

Watch out for that...

Searing hot sun you're walking into Jack! And the new president. He turned evil all of a sudden. Get well old president, new president sucks.

Miracle of Life

Jack came back from the dead! Tony came back from the dead! It's like zombie-ville up in here.

Make Out!

Tony and Michelle 4-EVA!

On the Run

Jack! Go live with Chase and Kim and Chase's baby. But seemingly he's going to Mexico where he used to be a drug dealer so I guess he'll be alright.

ALIAS

Dead

Everyone in that Russian town! They even got to more or less be undead. Who doesn't love pseudo-zombies? Irina's new sister sure likes them but she's also dead -- shot right through the head.

Watch out for that...

Car, Sydney and Not-Vaughn! "My name is not Michael Vaughn" Smack! Now that's a twist ending.

Miracle of Life

Jennifer Garner really is pregnant but Sydney is not. So let's continue to shoot around the bump and not have Sydney do very much! Look forward to more or this in the beginning of next season.

Make Out!

Sydney and Vaughn are going to elope! Even Dad's not going to be there, so they could make out all they wanted — if they hadn't gotten hit by a car.

On the Run

Irina. Jack is such a softy for his sometimes-good, sometimes-evil lady. She can make the border by daybreak.

DEADWOOD

Dead

How much time you got? Mr. Wolcott, having hanged himself after his boss George Hearst discovered Mr. W's penchant for murdering prostitutes. Perhaps he'll come back in season 3 playing yet another character. Also gone is Mr. Lee, his throat slit by the vengeful Mr. Wu. Lee's henchmen were also given the axe (pardon the pun) by Dan, Johnny, and Adams.

Watch out for that...

Seemingly benign preacher! Andy Cramed returned to Deadwood, reformed and preaching the word of God, but when Cy mouthed off to him one time too many in the thoroughfare, Andy responded with a knife to Cy's gut. Runner-up: The left hook Calamity Jane will dish out to any man she thinks is staring at her while she's dressed in her finery.

Miracle of Life

Alma's still totally pregnant with Bullock's baby. It's still totally scandalous. Meanwhile, Mose Manual fully recovers from the multiple gunshot wounds to his massive frame, and expresses his desire to stay on at the Chez Amie with Joanie and Jane, thus rounding out the staff of the Wackiest Whorehouse in the West.

Make Out!

Alma and Ellsworth get hitched so Alma can dodge the shame of birthing Bullock's love-child out of wedlock, although their actual kissing status is up in the air. In other news, Trixie and Sol's relationship seems to be back on, and that warms my icy heart.

On the Run

Mrs. Bullock claimed she was going, but decides to stay. I mean, wouldn't you? Deadwood's such a great place to raise a family, and all.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Dead

Rex, our favorite snarky, sobbing ejaculator, due to the meddling of a villainous pharmacist. We'll miss you, Rex. Also, we see in flashbacks what happened to the mysterious body-in-a-box. Those of us who called her identity back in February are feeling pretty smug.

Watch out for that...

Crazy gun-wielding teenager, Mike Delfino! Even if the natural lighting of that rock quarry revealed you could teach boulders something about looking craggy.

Miracle of Life

Gabrielle remains knocked up, even though the pregnancy is most definitely not wanted. Curious, how one of the pickiest woman on Wisteria Lane hasn't even considered her most basic Right to Choose.

Make Out!

A surprisingly smooch-free episode. Though I kept hoping that the Gay Cable Guy and the Gay Gardener would exchange a sidelong glance.

On the Run

After not being shot in the head by Mike Delfino, it seems likely that we'll see very little of Creepy Paul from now on, even though it turns out that the only person he's responsible for killing was Mrs. Huber. Given that the death of Mrs. Huber brought Felicia to Wisteria Lane (and man oh man, how great is Harriet Samson Harris?), I harbor Creepy Paul very little ill-will.

HOUSE, M.D.

Dead

House’s cold, cold heart, that’s what. Ex-girlfriend Stacy (Sela Ward, with the scariest eyebrows this side of the Michael Jackson trial) shows up, only to totally not sleep with him.

Watch out for that...

Weird disease! I’m pretty sure Stacy’s new husband was diagnosed as “A Werewolf”. It’s true that I had a knitting incident at a critical juncture, but seriously, that’s what it sounded like.

Miracle of Life

Stacy and House professed undying love to one another, but agreed that they could never be together because House, while entertaining for one well-edited hour of television a week, is a huge pain in the ass to live with.

Make Out!

Well, Stacy kissed House on the cheek and he looked tortured, and then Stacy’s new husband looked tortured because he was worried that Stacy might take her hot eyebrows back to House, and then Cameron was sad that House didn’t like *her* eyebrows, but there was no actual making out from anyone.

On the Run

You know House can’t go any faster than a slow limp! Don't be mean. However, he has added methamphetamines to his usual Vicodin, so the limp might get a bit faster next season. Angry, bitter, sarcastic House- tweaking! I can hardly wait.

LOST

Dead

Dr. Arzt, we hardly knew thee. Although, the flashbacks in the finale would have you believe that he was there all along, which is a comforting thought. His exploded bits can still be found on Jack's shirt. Also, Sawyer? Maybe. He totally got shot by the infamous "Others." If this show has taught you anything, though, he was most likely only grazed by the bullet.

Watch out for that...

That underground monster that almost ate Locke? No, they did done blowed that bad mamma-jamma up. The highly sensitive dynamite that is sweating nitro-glycerin? Well, that did done blowed up Arzt, but the other adventurers were okay. The Others? Yes. They're here. And they have Walt. Oh, and also be on the watch for Rousseau's nasty case of chlamydia. It's bound to flare up next season.

Miracle of Life

Claire's baby has a name: Aaron. She doesn't know what it means. Also, now that the hatch is open, Jack, Locke & co. are certain to find a thousand babies deep inside it. If not babies, then certain doom.

Make Out!

No one commenced to smoochin' in the finale. The easy way to go here would be to shout at Jack and Kate to press against each other's faces like Barbie and Ken. But we know that'll happen in time. Sayid and Shannon? Seen it. Claire and Charlie? There'd certainly be reason to root for this one if Charlie weren't so useless and ready to make out with all that heroin (although this does make him interesting again). AH! But there is another! Michael and Jin. In search of Walt, their bond will grow closer and closer. What English words do you know? "Starboard, port, eat... and kiss me Michael."

On the Run

The Others, yo! They finally nabbed their prize, little Walt, and they're high-tailing it back to the island with poor Michael, Jin, a possibly dead/more likely wounded Sawyer, and a blowed up raft in their dust.

THE O.C.

Dead

Poor Caleb. All he wanted was to continue being rich and old and cranky while scoring hot young poontang. Unfortunately his pool and Coldplay had other things in mind.

Watch out for that...

Marissa's got a gun, Marissa's got a gun, whole world's come undone, shooting people's really fun! Coop better hope Trey Atwood's dead. Because from the look on his face during that achingly bad slow motion shot, he's wavering between sad, happy, surprised and aroused about the whole situation.

Miracle of Life

Theresa still has that baby somewhere. She better tell Ryan whether he's the father soon or he just might Hulk out again. And there's nothing sadder than the possible punching of babies.

Make Out!

Come aboard the Jimmy and Julie Cooper Love Train!! I am always a firm believer in staying together for the children. Especially when it includes a gun-wielding, alcoholic, drug-popping, plastic chair abuser AND a little girl that's either imaginary or at the bottom of a well somewhere crying over her bald horsie.

On the Run

Maybe Marissa should run off to Promises with Kirsten Cohen? Oh wait. She can't be contacted by phone for 72 hours. Damn you, Alcoholic Rehab Center Gods!

VERONICA MARS

Dead

Everyone makes it through this one alive, although poor Keith does take a severe beating and a number of serious burns. But he totally saved Veronica! Best dad ever!

Watch out for that...

Nondescript delivery truck! It hungers to run over murderers who think they are about to get away scot-free. Also, a note to young ladies: When you have discovered who killed your best friend, and you are transporting the video evidence in your car, always remember to CHECK THE BACK SEAT. That's where former LA LAW stars love to lurk!

Miracle of Life

No Degrassi-esque teen pregnancy here, although it is revealed that Keith is definitely Veronica's dad. Come to think of it, if Logan shows up next season alive and uninjured, then THAT will be a miracle.

Make Out!

Since Veronica spends most of the finale believing her current paramour is Lily's killer, there's no hot Veronica/Logan make outs this episode. In other news, Keith and Alicia break up and get back together all in the course of a single episode.

On the Run

Veronica kicks Lianne out after discovering that Lianne is the unreliable, stealing, drunk we all knew her to be from the moment we laid eyes on her. Lianne goes, but not before purloining Keith's $50,000 check he got for recovering Duncan. Oooh, I hate her so much!

—Alan Bloom, Elana Frink, Liz Shannon Miller,
Jeff Stone, Alison Veneto, Justin Winters

Discuss this article in the SMRT-TV forum.

Return to Vol. 1, Episode 5.

24
Dead	Marwan! They captured him any number of times and he always got away, clearly all they had to do was mess up while capturing him to make him dead. Jack was also dead, but only for about 60 real time seconds!
Watch out for that...	Searing hot sun you're walking into Jack! And the new president. He turned evil all of a sudden. Get well old president, new president sucks.
Miracle of Life	Jack came back from the dead! Tony came back from the dead! It's like zombie-ville up in here.
Make Out!	Tony and Michelle 4-EVA!
On the Run	Jack! Go live with Chase and Kim and Chase's baby. But seemingly he's going to Mexico where he used to be a drug dealer so I guess he'll be alright.

ALIAS
Dead	Everyone in that Russian town! They even got to more or less be undead. Who doesn't love pseudo-zombies? Irina's new sister sure likes them but she's also dead -- shot right through the head.
Watch out for that...	Car, Sydney and Not-Vaughn! "My name is not Michael Vaughn" Smack! Now that's a twist ending.
Miracle of Life	Jennifer Garner really is pregnant but Sydney is not. So let's continue to shoot around the bump and not have Sydney do very much! Look forward to more or this in the beginning of next season.
Make Out!	Sydney and Vaughn are going to elope! Even Dad's not going to be there, so they could make out all they wanted — if they hadn't gotten hit by a car.
On the Run	Irina. Jack is such a softy for his sometimes-good, sometimes-evil lady. She can make the border by daybreak.

DEADWOOD
Dead	How much time you got? Mr. Wolcott, having hanged himself after his boss George Hearst discovered Mr. W's penchant for murdering prostitutes. Perhaps he'll come back in season 3 playing yet another character. Also gone is Mr. Lee, his throat slit by the vengeful Mr. Wu. Lee's henchmen were also given the axe (pardon the pun) by Dan, Johnny, and Adams.
Watch out for that...	Seemingly benign preacher! Andy Cramed returned to Deadwood, reformed and preaching the word of God, but when Cy mouthed off to him one time too many in the thoroughfare, Andy responded with a knife to Cy's gut. Runner-up: The left hook Calamity Jane will dish out to any man she thinks is staring at her while she's dressed in her finery.
Miracle of Life	Alma's still totally pregnant with Bullock's baby. It's still totally scandalous. Meanwhile, Mose Manual fully recovers from the multiple gunshot wounds to his massive frame, and expresses his desire to stay on at the Chez Amie with Joanie and Jane, thus rounding out the staff of the Wackiest Whorehouse in the West.
Make Out!	Alma and Ellsworth get hitched so Alma can dodge the shame of birthing Bullock's love-child out of wedlock, although their actual kissing status is up in the air. In other news, Trixie and Sol's relationship seems to be back on, and that warms my icy heart.
On the Run	Mrs. Bullock claimed she was going, but decides to stay. I mean, wouldn't you? Deadwood's such a great place to raise a family, and all.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Dead	Rex, our favorite snarky, sobbing ejaculator, due to the meddling of a villainous pharmacist. We'll miss you, Rex. Also, we see in flashbacks what happened to the mysterious body-in-a-box. Those of us who called her identity back in February are feeling pretty smug.
Watch out for that...	Crazy gun-wielding teenager, Mike Delfino! Even if the natural lighting of that rock quarry revealed you could teach boulders something about looking craggy.
Miracle of Life	Gabrielle remains knocked up, even though the pregnancy is most definitely not wanted. Curious, how one of the pickiest woman on Wisteria Lane hasn't even considered her most basic Right to Choose.
Make Out!	A surprisingly smooch-free episode. Though I kept hoping that the Gay Cable Guy and the Gay Gardener would exchange a sidelong glance.
On the Run	After not being shot in the head by Mike Delfino, it seems likely that we'll see very little of Creepy Paul from now on, even though it turns out that the only person he's responsible for killing was Mrs. Huber. Given that the death of Mrs. Huber brought Felicia to Wisteria Lane (and man oh man, how great is Harriet Samson Harris?), I harbor Creepy Paul very little ill-will.

HOUSE, M.D.
Dead	House’s cold, cold heart, that’s what. Ex-girlfriend Stacy (Sela Ward, with the scariest eyebrows this side of the Michael Jackson trial) shows up, only to totally not sleep with him.
Watch out for that...	Weird disease! I’m pretty sure Stacy’s new husband was diagnosed as “A Werewolf”. It’s true that I had a knitting incident at a critical juncture, but seriously, that’s what it sounded like.
Miracle of Life	Stacy and House professed undying love to one another, but agreed that they could never be together because House, while entertaining for one well-edited hour of television a week, is a huge pain in the ass to live with.
Make Out!	Well, Stacy kissed House on the cheek and he looked tortured, and then Stacy’s new husband looked tortured because he was worried that Stacy might take her hot eyebrows back to House, and then Cameron was sad that House didn’t like her eyebrows, but there was no actual making out from anyone.
On the Run	You know House can’t go any faster than a slow limp! Don't be mean. However, he has added methamphetamines to his usual Vicodin, so the limp might get a bit faster next season. Angry, bitter, sarcastic House- tweaking! I can hardly wait.

LOST
Dead	Dr. Arzt, we hardly knew thee. Although, the flashbacks in the finale would have you believe that he was there all along, which is a comforting thought. His exploded bits can still be found on Jack's shirt. Also, Sawyer? Maybe. He totally got shot by the infamous "Others." If this show has taught you anything, though, he was most likely only grazed by the bullet.
Watch out for that...	That underground monster that almost ate Locke? No, they did done blowed that bad mamma-jamma up. The highly sensitive dynamite that is sweating nitro-glycerin? Well, that did done blowed up Arzt, but the other adventurers were okay. The Others? Yes. They're here. And they have Walt. Oh, and also be on the watch for Rousseau's nasty case of chlamydia. It's bound to flare up next season.
Miracle of Life	Claire's baby has a name: Aaron. She doesn't know what it means. Also, now that the hatch is open, Jack, Locke & co. are certain to find a thousand babies deep inside it. If not babies, then certain doom.
Make Out!	No one commenced to smoochin' in the finale. The easy way to go here would be to shout at Jack and Kate to press against each other's faces like Barbie and Ken. But we know that'll happen in time. Sayid and Shannon? Seen it. Claire and Charlie? There'd certainly be reason to root for this one if Charlie weren't so useless and ready to make out with all that heroin (although this does make him interesting again). AH! But there is another! Michael and Jin. In search of Walt, their bond will grow closer and closer. What English words do you know? "Starboard, port, eat... and kiss me Michael."
On the Run	The Others, yo! They finally nabbed their prize, little Walt, and they're high-tailing it back to the island with poor Michael, Jin, a possibly dead/more likely wounded Sawyer, and a blowed up raft in their dust.

THE O.C.
Dead	Poor Caleb. All he wanted was to continue being rich and old and cranky while scoring hot young poontang. Unfortunately his pool and Coldplay had other things in mind.
Watch out for that...	Marissa's got a gun, Marissa's got a gun, whole world's come undone, shooting people's really fun! Coop better hope Trey Atwood's dead. Because from the look on his face during that achingly bad slow motion shot, he's wavering between sad, happy, surprised and aroused about the whole situation.
Miracle of Life	Theresa still has that baby somewhere. She better tell Ryan whether he's the father soon or he just might Hulk out again. And there's nothing sadder than the possible punching of babies.
Make Out!	Come aboard the Jimmy and Julie Cooper Love Train!! I am always a firm believer in staying together for the children. Especially when it includes a gun-wielding, alcoholic, drug-popping, plastic chair abuser AND a little girl that's either imaginary or at the bottom of a well somewhere crying over her bald horsie.
On the Run	Maybe Marissa should run off to Promises with Kirsten Cohen? Oh wait. She can't be contacted by phone for 72 hours. Damn you, Alcoholic Rehab Center Gods!

VERONICA MARS
Dead	Everyone makes it through this one alive, although poor Keith does take a severe beating and a number of serious burns. But he totally saved Veronica! Best dad ever!
Watch out for that...	Nondescript delivery truck! It hungers to run over murderers who think they are about to get away scot-free. Also, a note to young ladies: When you have discovered who killed your best friend, and you are transporting the video evidence in your car, always remember to CHECK THE BACK SEAT. That's where former LA LAW stars love to lurk!
Miracle of Life	No Degrassi-esque teen pregnancy here, although it is revealed that Keith is definitely Veronica's dad. Come to think of it, if Logan shows up next season alive and uninjured, then THAT will be a miracle.
Make Out!	Since Veronica spends most of the finale believing her current paramour is Lily's killer, there's no hot Veronica/Logan make outs this episode. In other news, Keith and Alicia break up and get back together all in the course of a single episode.
On the Run	Veronica kicks Lianne out after discovering that Lianne is the unreliable, stealing, drunk we all knew her to be from the moment we laid eyes on her. Lianne goes, but not before purloining Keith's $50,000 check he got for recovering Duncan. Oooh, I hate her so much!