February 1, 2006

Everything you ever wanted to know about sports on TV.

Finding it hard to care about this year's Superbowl? If you're not from Pittsburgh, the answer is probably "yes." Because sadly, let's face it, Seattle has been largely ignored by the country for much of the year. Despite superstar extraordinaire Shaun Alexander being named the NFL regular season MVP (and deservedly so), it was very easy this year for the viewing public to avoid Seahawks games. Tucked all the way up there in the Pacific Northwest, far from the eyes of anyone east of the Mississippi, cruising through a fairly dismal NFC this season. It's hard to get excited about a team with virtually no playoff history to speak of. Before this season, Seattle hadn't won a playoff game since 1984. Contrast that with the recent success of the New England Patriots, a team that for all intents and purposes encapsulated the word "dynasty" in pro football. It's tougher to root for the no-name.

Pittsburgh Steeler fans have a lot to cheer for. Their team made history, becoming the first side to win three road playoff games to advance to the Superbowl. Bill Cowher is the longest tenured coach in the NFL. Jerome Bettis, among the most popular players perhaps in the history of the league, may be in the midst of his final bus ride. And what better place for him to finish it than in his hometown of Detroit, host site of Superbowl XL and inevitably the riot that will ensue after the game ends (Sorry, Detroit. I just had to take that low blow).

So for those of you who couldn't imagine not watching the Superbowl (like me), even though you don't have a rooting interest in who wins (me again), here are a list of things that will hopefully ensure your viewing experience is entertaining:

• Okay, let's get it out of the way. The commercials. Personally, I don't understand the country's fixation with Superbowl ads. By and large, those most fervently anticipating the new 30-90 second, multi-millon dollar shill spots are also the same folks who curse commercials for even existing at all. Honestly, 364 days out of the year, America passionately hates commercials. Why the hell would anyone care just because they're new? But I digress. Commercials. List them, watch them, throw your beer at the TV in disapproval of most of them. But most importantly, deride them for extending the length of the game by at least 45 minutes. Thus making the Superbowl a near-five hour event. And that's not including pre and post game coverage.
  
  

• Ever watch the pre-hype feature to a boxing match featuring two boxers you've never heard of before — one Mexican, one Polish — and suddenly found yourself so excited to watch the fight? The very same thing could potentially happen here.

  The pre-game. While you're pigging out on chips and dip, barbecuing various pork products, and recovering from last night's hangover, switch the TV on to FOX about 13 hours before game time. What you'll see is every reason why this game will be worth watching. Every compelling storyline, every amazing athlete profile, every bit of the stories Pittsburgh and Seattle have told so far this season. Ever watch the pre-hype feature to a boxing match featuring two boxers you've never heard of before — one Mexican, one Polish — and suddenly found yourself so excited to watch the fight? The very same thing could potentially happen here. If you're a football fan, of course. And hey, even if you're not.
  
  
• Everybody loves gambling. Hell, it's legitimately the number one reason why football is the most popular, most watched sport in the country. As host of your Superbowl party, it's your obligation to institute a pool. There are many variations you could take on this. Perhaps $10 an entry and whoever predicts the winner and is closest to the actual amount of total points scored in the game takes the pot? Why not break it down to what the score will be at the end of each quarter? Who scores first? And will they do so via pass, run, special teams, or defense. Bet the spread! Somehow, the Steelers opened up as a four-point favorite despite the fact they barely squeaked into the playoffs and Seattle finished with the second best record in the league, has the MVP, and absolutely dominated in the NFC title game. Think like a Vegas pro on this one. Or, don't think at all. Go ahead and charge $5 admission at the door so that you can recoup on all the money you spent on snacks and beet. You're only obligated to exercise that last suggestion if you somehow overlooked suggesting your Superbowl party be BYOB. If that happens, I'm sorry, but sucks for you.
  
  

• Seriously, keep Justin Timberlake away from Mick.

  The halftime show. Oh my God, nobody likes the halftime show. And if they do, it is because they're either a pre-pubescent child dazzled by fireworks or a housewife age 55 or older. This year's entertainment at intermission is The Rolling Stones, so any of you perves out there can forget about a repeat from Superbowl XXXVIII. Then again, who am I to say that you won't get your jollies out of a Mick Jagger wardrobe malfunction? Ew... You're all sick. A better option would either be to go on a beer run or flip around all the various channels and check out the myriad of anti-programming. [Four words, friends: Animal. Planet. Puppy. Bowl. --Liz]
  
  
• Post game coverage? I'll tell you what, unless you're a fan of whichever team wins the big game, you can save some time and skip this entirely. Only a victorious Steeler or Seahawk fan is going to want to bask in this ceremonial tongue-bathing. If you're ambivalent about who wins, this might be a good time to either A) put your living room back together as it has surely been devastated by Superbowl party carnage, B) remain passed out on the couch with all the other drunks, or C) rustle up an impromptu game of strip poker.
  
  
• Finally, the most important tip to enjoying the game: Just sit back and watch. This match-up promises to be an exciting one. Ben Roethlisberger, 26-4 as a starting QB, vs. Matt Hassellbeck, Bill Cowher's square jaw vs. Mike Holmgren's jowls, Shaun Alexander, Walter Jones, and Steve Hutchinson anchoring the league's most dominant rushing attack vs. Joey Porter, Troy Polamalu, and the blitzburgh defense. You'll get to hear the name of linebacker Lofa Tatupu over and over, simultaneously acknowledging how impressive he is for a rookie. And, of course, how does the story end for Jerome Bettis?

There's plenty to watch in Superbowl XL. Just try not to let your lack of rooting interest get in the way.

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