overthinking the idiot box

September 19, 2005

10 "What the Fuck?"s: 2005 Emmy Edition

by Jenni Powell

First, some background on my Emmy watching experience. I was in the apartment of the engaged couple (every group has one), surrounded by half a dozen television-savvy individuals, all of which I am proud to call friends of mine. I came bearing my editor's laptop and a Tupperware container filled with fresh-baked lemon bars, committed to documenting this experience, or at least getting down half of the funny things that Paul, Liz Miller, Liz Martin, Adam, Mike, Corrine, Laurel, Rich, and Jeff said occasionally. The one common theme: "What the fuck?"

It's now 11:40 PM. The Emmys concluded at 11:01 PM (only one minute over!) So, before Liz wakes up from her nap and starts putting up the new Episode , now, my SMRT-TVites, the "What the Fuck?"s of the 2005 Emmy Awards.

What the Fuck? #1: Earth, Wind, and Fire.
Yes, Earth, Wind, and Fire performed the opening of the Emmys. This in itself is amazingly wonderful. This lead to Corrine squealing with delight in such an infectious manner that I, too, was bouncing with happiness. Until we realized... they had rewritten the words of "September" to make them "Emmy-related." Blasphemy I tell you! Yes, I will now remember the "Emmys in September," but only with feelings of utter rage!

What the Fuck? #2: How inoffensively funny could you be?
Adam made an interesting comment about Ellen Degeneres: she manages to be warm and inoffensive while also being funny. I agree with this statement. I agree with it so much that she eventually crosses over into "oh my God, can one person be THAT inoffensive and be in the entertainment industry?" I mean, she came out on stage with a unicycle and a sparkler and still managed to be funny. But really, all night I was waiting for her to push the envelope. Did she even make ONE political joke? If she did, I missed it. But you know, where she dropped the ball, Jon Stewart picked it up, ran with it, and slammed it into the hoop so hard he shattered the billboard. [Which is impressive for a dude who's 5'5" — Liz] He wins my award of "Best Use of Puppies and Kittens in a Emmy Award Presentation Gimmick."

"I'm sorry, okay? I swear, it's the last time."
What the Fuck? #3: Everybody Does NOT Love Raymond
I find something inherently unfair of giving out "goodbye" awards. Perhaps I'm idealistic, but I think you should get awards when you deserved them, not years later as a "well, sorry we didn't give it to you before, how about we make it up to you now?" This is especially annoying in the case of Brad Garrett. Because this was not his first, not his second, but his THIRD Emmy. The dude totally doesn't need a "bye bye" Emmy. You totally could have given it to Jeremy Piven, come on now.

What the Fuck? #4: Donald Trump
Donald Trump. In overalls. Singing the theme to Green Acres. I don't think I need to mention much else. Though I think it is important to mention that Jeff was so horrified, he felt the need to call me and proclaim his disgust. Okay, who's kidding who here...the entire Emmy Idol idea is one giant WHAT THE FUCK!? Yet we did get to see Kristen Bell's midriff. Except at the end when it was covered up by the phone number to call banner, which angered Paul greatly. [Seriously, Shatner didn't win? What the fuck? — Liz]

What the Fuck? #5: You mean he was nominated for writing something?
Early on in the ceremony, there was a shot of Quentin Tarantino. Someone in the room asked why he was there. Without a moment's hesitation, Mike blurted out "oh, he's nominated for his role in The Muppet Wizard of Oz." This deserves a "What the Fuck?" for the simple reason that a few people in the room actually exclaimed, "oh really!?" with a hint of belief in their voice. Of course, later that evening no one had any doubt as to what he'd been nominated (and not won) for. It is my humble opinion that it was totally a bad idea to have him present AFTER he lost for directing CSI.

He wore the pants and won an Emmy. Take notes, everyone.
What the Fuck? #6: I want GOLD LAME damn it!
I am so thrilled that Hugh Jackman won the award for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program. But really, I think he owed it to the woman of America to wear gold lame pants to the ceremony. Really. Mike, on the win: "Here's where the adamantium claws come out with berzerker rage." Corinne's response" "Don't you mean berzerker JOY?!"

What the Fuck? #7: What do you have against cocksuckers?
I really wanted Deadwood to win something. Okay, so what I REALLY wanted is for Ian McShane to win and thank the whores in his acceptance speech.

What the Fuck? #8: Give the little guys a chance.
There was much discussion during the night on whether network shows should really have to be nominated against cable shows. Ellen even said it herself, the reason HBO wins so many awards is because they can have naked people and cursing on their shows. Of course, when you nominate HBO in every single slot in a category, well, you're kind of adding to the problem, now aren't you? Such was the case in the Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special category.

What the Fuck? #9: More Tom Jones please.
Seriously, the Emmys should have way more Tom Jones. I mean, I loved that they played him over all the clips of The Life and Death of Peter Sellers but it was a far-cry from my daily alloted dose of Jones. They could have at least maybe used "Sexbomb", that would have made me happy.

What the Fuck? #10: The last, but not the best.
Really, I wanted to save the best for last. But it's 12:30 AM now and I'm on the editor's computer and what the fuck, we've got to get the new Episode up by tonight. I do, however, feel I need to end this on a high note, so here is a list of "Fuck Yeahs" of the 2005 Emmy Awards:

So there you have it kids, the first ever "What the Fuck?"s: fueled by Coca-Cola, lemon bars and an endless string of the snarkies snark imaginable. But I'd like to thank all the whores, I couldn't have done it without them.

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Return to Season 2, Episode 1.